Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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