How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
