I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
