I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
