Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
sarcasm needs its own font
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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