she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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