I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize