Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
