im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
