im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
