Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
