You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
