I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just want nice things and good sex
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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