Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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