just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
