Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
