Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
