I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
