please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
