So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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