...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
