There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
