Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
