i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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