WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
accomplished twins. life is a go
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
