mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
