I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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