I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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