the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
