Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Every concussion has its silver lining
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
