I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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