The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
