I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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