Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
