Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
