I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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