I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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