If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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