he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
