How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
