God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
