Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
