I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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