You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
