Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Less talking, more tequila
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
