Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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