I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
