what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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