Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize