They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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