I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
