How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
