the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize