Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
