I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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