omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
