I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
