hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
