I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
