I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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