if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
